Crumbling Wall at Ursuline Convent/San Antonio School of Art & Craft
I finally did it. I hit a wall. I was almost at the point of crash and burn. A near miss you might say. I saw it coming and at the last minute avoided the disaster by “taking to my bed,” as they used to say, at 3pm yesterday. I stayed put until I had the courage and energy to resurface. A mental and physical crisis that lasted all of 21 hours. Maybe it was some 24 hr. bug, but I think it was overload and overwhelm pure and simple.
I have been traveling and teaching 4 out of the last 8 weeks and I believe it finally took it’s toll. I don’t know how so many people do it. Or do they? I did it, yes. I was present, involved, excited and enjoying every minute of every day I was on the go, but obviously I can only operate that way for so long. I need time away from the schedule, the deadlines and commitments and if I fail to give myself permission to stop, to hop off the merry-go-round of my life, then obviously my body will do it for me.
Hand of Mary Statue at the Presentation Center, Los Gatos CA, site of An Artful Journey
I am working my way back into the world slowly. My first act is this conversation with you. I am relaxed enough just to sit and talk right now – something I normally would put off because I had more pressing things to do.
But who made them pressing?
I did.
Whose fault is it that I am over-extended?
Mine.
Who is standing over me with a whip and a stop-watch?
Me.
Who can rescue me from it all?
Me.
I received a newsletter today and it was as if the Universe sent it just for me. The topic? “Do you need quiet time?” The words that really resonated with me were, “your head and heart are often in conflict.” I know that’s what it is. What I want to do (my heart) is in conflict with what I have to do (my head). Now part of me says, “Lesley, how many people get to do what they want to do on a day-to-day basis?” And really, most of what I have to do has all come about because I am, after all, living the life of my dreams – being an artist, writing books, traveling the world, sharing my passion with other like-minded souls. I love every bit of it. So where is the conflict? What is it I want to be doing?
To Touch (ancient redwood)
I want to touch more people. To reach more women. I’ve got grand plans but no time to bring them to fruition. I do a bit of work on my dream everyday, but I’m getting impatient, frustrated. You see, most of the women I come in contact with already know the power of art. You appear in my class, you read my books, you visit my website – all because you know there is magic in creating. But what about the other women out there who have not yet made the discovery? What about those who want to be an artist, or create, but lack the confidence, the courage or the know-how of where to begin. That was me, 20 years ago. Now I want to share what I have learned along the way. It’s why I began teaching. It’s who I am. It’s what I do.
Thankfully we now have access to so, so, much information on living the artful life through the Internet. But I see it every day – that’s not enough. This road we walk, the journey of being an artist is perhaps one of the hardest there is. For most professions, what they do is not who they are. A surgeon practices the art of medicine, but it is an art based on the exactness of science. A chef practices the art of cooking, but again, there are rules, structure. They practice an art, but it is not what they are. When you are an artist, it is who you are. It is yourself there on the canvas, on the cloth, on the paper or in the metal. There is no separation. Do I have to tell you of the courage that takes, to confront yourself every day and put it out there for public approval or dismissal? Yet the need, the urge to create is so vital. Consider yourself lucky if you are in touch with it, because so many have buried it so over the years that when asked will swear they do not have a creative bone in their body. If my children, and now my grandchildren, have taught me anything, it is that we are born creators. It is as natural an act for a child as breathing or walking. Until life buries it.
Sisters~ Jillian & Julia, born to create
I want every woman to know that feeling again. And to have the confidence to pursue it. To give herself permission to create. To find the time to do so, to take the time to do so, to have the courage to do so. This is where my heart lies.
But it has to wait. To wait until I finish my next book. To wait until I get home from teaching classes. To wait until the taxes are done, until Dad’s DR visits are over, until I play with my granddaughters. To wait until I can build a strong framework, define and refine my message, and devise the delivery. I’m close, but it feels so far away, much like the unending 9 months (a blink of time) that it takes to birth another creative being. I feel gravid, heavy with an impending birth. I can’t speed it up because creating takes time and there are other children (tasks) that need my attention, children that I love and want to nourish. Children already here that I need to turn my full attention to so they can stand on their own and go out into the world with confidence.
It is time to shine my light
I know it’s time to shine my light, to follow my heart. It’s what I am meant to do. It is why, for years, I have, for years, had the following quotes front and center, where I can see them everyday. They are reminders of my purpose. My beacon, my guiding light~
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now. Goethe
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Marianne Williamson
Have I explained myself well? Do you understand what I am trying to say? Are you living the life you desire? Let me know…
I am just rediscovering your blog – and I am glad. I’ve always admired your work – and I admire that you shared your ‘crash & burn’. I find the most difficult things to post about are those that are this personal – and yet I am always amazed that they are the very posts that seem to occasion the most dialog!
You did the right thing. Rest is what the universe was ordering and it’s wonderful that you heeded that call! Thanks for all of your inspiration!
your post came from the heart and spoke to many of us wondering the same.i have no answers only questions which i have decided, on a good day, to turn into “grateful pronouncement”, i term i use for guiding my self back up, out of the ditch , to my best self. giving thanks for little and huge momemts or situations that are good in our lives .like,i am thankful for the breeze passing my skin , it makes me feel loved, caressed.
some of the above wise comments recalled some thoughts or quotes out loud that Allan Watts and Oscar Wilde have launched into the air that us artist types pluck and save and repeat as needed. the best i can offer is to rest when tired, be kind to yourself, and know you are doing your best and that best will vary. you have done much to raise the awareness of fabric art many of have done for decades in out studios or kitchen tables, and you gave it a voice. for that i am grateful. and that these current glasses work long enough to complete a entry.
Sonja
Sonja, thank you for taking the time to write in response to my blog post. Your words are lovely. You put into words something that I have been feeling but couldn’t yet describe, the caress of the breeze passing my skin. It is a caress and does make me feel loved. Thanks for opening my eyes to that.
I think you spoke very eloquently about what most women do, we nurture others and forget to listen to the little voice inside us that says to stop and nurture thyself. The other day I was looking at art magazines and had this revelation of how many people have been influenced by your artistic style and your books. I saw so many works where I thought Lesley Riley was doing that years ago or that looks like they read Lesley Riley’s book or even this is influenced heavily by Lesley Riley. You have indeed reached many women who never stop to say thank you or tell you of your influence, inspiration and help in their creative journey and not because they don’t want to but because they are rushing around trying to do it all too! I hope you heal and take time to be in the moment. I’m presently taking a year off work to watch my first granddaughter and am trying to do as much art, creative exercises, art theory learning as possible in this time off. I don’t have confidence to be the artist I’ve always wanted to be. I am however starting to hear others calling me an artist. Once you told me, many years ago in a Yahoo group that I was a mixed media artist and just didn’t know it yet. Those words ring so true in my mind now as if you planted a seed and the roots are beginning to sprout. So I am going to sign off with a thank you! I try to do this periodically to let you know that you’ve nurtured a dream of mine. I may have to go back into the job force and wait to embrace this part of me in retirement, an early one if I can risk it and afford it. It’s not putting off until tomorrow what I want to do today. I have to be disciplined to continue sowing these seeds and maybe work two jobs, the real world one and the one I desire for a few years. Oh and without the burn out that led to my having to take off a year from work too, so I’ll be checking in to see how you are and to read words that shine light into what it means to be a creative woman. You always speak from the heart and with that give so much. Again, thank you!
Hi Lesley,
Boy, huh! I had the exact same experience this week. I was wondering if it was a bug, too. Just couldn’t really do much. But, didn’t really have a cold or the flu or anything. Just beat. Needed to do nothing and recover from lots of do do do. I’m getting back in the swing of things this weekend. Once you start to get bored – you know you’re feelin’ better and it’s back at it!
Hope you’re back in the swing of things next week. Spring is in the air! Enjoy!
– Jennifer
Thank you so much for this post. It is as though you were in my head. To start my own excavation of the creative me that has been buried, I treated myself to your DVD on fabric collage books. I am trying to be patient and not attack the mailman everyday until it arrives! Why is it that I think that as soon as I pay for my cart online, the purchases are in the mail?LOL! Have a great weekend and I hope you find a quiet spot to just sit and relax. Cheers.
This is a great post! You have explained yourself and your situation brilliantly. And many of the commenters have said what I would say: take time to take care of yourself. It’s all good, nothing is wrong. You do what you can and you make choices every day about how to use your time, based on necessity, obligation and desire. You can’t do it all, so do what you can and remind yourself often that it’s all good, nothing is wrong. (Oh, did I repeat myself? Maybe because it’s important?)My favorite quote of the moment: “If struggling were the way to get there, we’d all be there by now.”
I can truly relate to this post! My “must do” list is so long and it has been taking almost every minute of my time of late. Last night, after 3 meetings, 2 receptions, and little rest, I came home flat-out worn out, unable to do anything more. This morning I woke up with a very sore throat and yukky eyelids, and lo, this afternoon the head cold has begun. The price we pay for doing and doing and doing without stopping to take care of ourselves. I have to eliminate something, but all of it is important to me, so where do I start? For starters, I had to cancel two meetings today and two for tomorrow. I will rest and rest and sleep and sip tea in the quiet comfort of my home while I re-group. Then I will be back on track and doing again. I hope you rest up too. It is totally necessary sometimes. Your art will show it when you are refreshed. Take care!
Dear Lesley
Thanks for sharing! And reminding us consider our own practice.
Like to think I’m walking a parallel path to yours; daily attempting to unite head and heart, body and soul, my mundane and spiritual life. I can’t say I got any wise answers – only I’m working on it!
Dear Lesley, thanks for sharing! And reminding us consider our own practice.
Like to think I’m walking a parallel path to yours; daily attempting to unite head and heart, body and soul, my mundane and spiritual life. I can’t say I got any wise answers – only I’m working on it!
Absolutely fabulous post! So many women are feeling the same way; too many are stretched too thin, too many poor choices, bad decisions leaving us discombobulated, discontent, a fit of pervasive ennui.
I’m living my dream life with my dream man on my dream farm and no, it’s not perfect…but it’s perfect for ME.
My mantra, for the time being, is “Be Yourself; Everyone Else is Already Taken”. It keeps me centered on what’s important in my life and that keeps me happy.
To answer your questions, yes you have explained yourself well, and I do understand what you are trying to say. In fact, I relate! Even though I’m not bogged down with a busy calendar to keep me hopping, I often keep myself overwhelmed with lists of things to do–some in my head and sometimes I put them on paper. If I’m not constantly making progress, I begin to feel anxious and overwhelmed but I’m doing it to myself because I make my lists and schedule my time!
My Mom lives with us part-time (and part time with my sister) because she is developing Alzheimer’s. It can be very challenging, and her needs add many items to my lists but it also makes me realize how important it is to enjoy each day which I forget sometimes by getting caught up in the moment. That’s when I have to slap myself back to reality! LOL.
To answer your third question, yes, OVERALL, I am at long last living the life I desire. I don’t have to go to an 8 to 5 job anymore, and I create, and I learn about creating! Life is good! I alway remind myself of these things (and more) when it comes time to slap myself back into reality! Tee-hee-hee!
Also love your quotes, have them somewhere… I use them as bookmarks to re-read often. Came across this book on Oprah’s website – The Tao of Now and these 3 words that have been helping me to be present – This is it. I say these to myself when I catch myself living in the past or future, which is 99.99% of the time!
I can relate to this soooooooo much! I could write a comment just as long as your post. I struggle with my MUST DO list (work to pay the bills), ART DO list (all the things I wanna create) and my TO DO list (all the things I THINK I should be doing as a wife/mother/friend/daughter). Trust me, cleaning and laundry don’t make it to any of the lists but that makes me feel bad too!
Keep us informed. It’s nice to know that successful artists struggle with these conflicts too.
Learning to say NO is so difficult – especially to say it to ourselves.
Oh i can relate … I can I can!! I know the problem… do not know how to change my brain… have you figure that part out yet??
I am sending you big hugs…. as you are a very wise friend and I know you have it in you to make adjustments… and someday I hope to have that too!
How special that you shared this moment, because it is difficult to come to terms with all the things that you are navigating through, and exhaustion makes it overwhelming. Good for you: you took time, rested, and now you can look at the big picture. I love the analogy of being “gravid”. Perfect. You have many family issues/responsibilities that will consume some of your energy (I know it is willingly given, but nonetheless….). Just be sure to be good to yourself throughout the journey.
Leslie, I am moved by your impatience and hope you won’t be offended if I offer the cliche, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey that counts.” I’ve spent my whole life thinking about tomorrow, next week, next year, the far distant future. I guess that’s my nature because I am seldom able to be in the moment. But your moments are important. You need to be IN them, because they are the core of your message and you need to take note of them, and feel them, and remember them so you can impart their wisdom to the women you reach out to. Second cliche: “Cut yourself some slack.” I’m sure you seldom do, but try to take some quiet time to recognize how far you’ve come, what you’ve accomplished, and how it all laid the groundwork for the dream you are bringing into being now. The touring and teaching and crashing and burning all contribute to the dream.