It’s that time of year. Here on the east coast autumn is signaled by the changing colors of the landscape. Rust, crimson, bright and burnt orange, wheat and gold.
I pull out my greys, browns and blacks; snuggle into sweaters, wrap soft socks over my chilly toes, slip on my Uggs and step outside to catch the first wafts of burning wood in neighborhood fireplaces. mmmmm.
I can’t imagine autumn without these signs, sights and smells – the same way I cannot imagine a life without art, without books, without my family. The same goes for the first snowfall, the first crocuses, the first step onto the beach each summer, all signals of change, of beginnings.
For everything there is a season, yes? And a time for every purpose under the heaven. Now is my time. I am finally becoming the person I was meant to be.
“I’m not going the be the person I’m expected to be anymore.” goes the line in a Chanel perfume commercial. It really struck a chord with me. Up until now, I haven’t been brave enough to be the person I want to be. But now? I’m still scared, but I’m doing it anyway.
Why? Why now? Because I don’t want to get to the end of my days and have to regret anything – most of all, not being ME. I don’t want to pass through this life without leaving my mark, without making a difference. Why? Because I have to.
“It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ” K.T. Jong
I think we all have rich inner lives, thoughts and feeling that we are afraid to share with others. I’ll tell you a deep secret. So secret that I often hide it from myself… I have put up walls in order to contain my happiness. Otherwise I’d go through life every day with tears of joy and compassion in my eyes. Everything touches me so deeply that I have had to build barriers between myself and the rest of the world just to get through the day. I find joy and beauty, beauty and wonder at every turn. Awe. I live in awe, so I have built walls to contain it. After all these years I’ve gotten pretty good at it – good to a fault. I’m still feeling, feeling raw and deep, but you’ll hardly know. I have learned to contain my joy.
Because really, what good is a mother, or a daughter, friend or teacher, for that matter, who cries at the slightest happiness? I’ve learned to be strong. I’ve learned to be the one you can depend on. I’ve learned to be the light at the end of the tunnel, the shelter in a storm, the hand you take to feel safe and secure. In order to do that I feel I can’t be open and raw. I’m the rock. I’m the one everyone depends on. The leader. And yes, I want it to be that way, but the cost is the walls, the walls containing my heart, my emotions. And because of this I am reluctant to speak my heart. It’s a shame really. But it’s who I am. I need to be strong in order to be the person I am supposed to be – to fulfill my destiny.
You know what? Strange as it may sound, in so many ways I believe this has made me a better person. And now that I’m telling secrets, here’s an even bigger one. Since I was young, about six years of age, I have been trying to figure out my purpose. I have always had the feeling that I had a calling, a mission – that I was here for an important reason. God knows I have had no idea what it was. I have spent over 50 years trying to figure it out. Waiting for a sign. Searching for meaning. Feeling dumb because I knew, sure as I know my own name, that I have a bigger purpose. And feeling responsible to find it and carry it out.
(by the way, when I sat down to update my blog, I had NO idea this was where it would lead or that this was what I was going to say. I follow my heart which has led me here, so I shall continue….)
Look at her. I am entranced by the expression in her eyes. I would give anything to be able to express to you, to myself even, how this photo makes me feel. But you know what? The feeling is indescribable. Open, innocent, loving life, trusting. The world is at her fingertips, a constant source of wonder, endless exploration. LOVE.
I think becoming myself, becoming the person I am supposed to be, is to feel like this every moment. And then to find a way to express myself in such a way that everyone else can feel like this too – complete and utter happiness. Purpose, Love. (There goes that voice again, the little one inside that says, “who do you think you are? what are you doing? they’ll think you’re crazy!” I am learning to quiet it, to distract it by staying busy trying to become that person. Some days are easier than others.)
It’s a tall order. Yet I feel called to act on it, because really, I have no choice. “The person born with a talent they are meant to use will find their greatest happiness in using it. ” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Am I making sense? Do you understand? Talk to me.
Please.
that is me. i turned 40 earlier this year. in all my earlier blogging posts was this attempt to unravel and reveal myself, to discover purpose (i too feel the call on my life to live for a higher purpose than just work, eat sleep work, eat, sleep). i’ve driven myself nuts with it and to be perfectly honest it sits there often unearthing itself when i’m frustrated with life, sensing i’m held back or not where i’m meant to be. the only way i can bring myself back to earth, is to find the beauty in my everyday (nina bagley taught me via her blog how to find the beauty right where i am, and how to look and really see). To bless and appreciate my family. and faith, i cannot deny that by believing there is a God who can make sense of the senseless, who has a bigger picture and who loves me unconditionally, cuts me immense slack as my mind and feelings boggle around inside driving me crazy some days. a while back i started piecing cloth together. i have old cloth pieces, all shades of white, that i just patiently piece together by hand, not having an outcome in mind. when people ask what am i making, i joke ‘this is my prozac’. this thing of being female, of feeling everything even when its most inconvenient and would be better contained (it makes others uncomfortable), of massive mood swings (don’t all creatives have them?) … yes, there is a somewhat disturbing thought stream that sits there, ready to discount me, to run me down and tell me i’m not quite where i’m meant to be or not quite good enough but i think its also become the thing that motivates me to push through, to become as you say stronger for the sake of others, to be allowed to be myself, even a messy one which then provides grace for others who are also messy and don’t have it together. i’m glad ur on facebook lesley but as i go back through these blog posts, i’m thankful for u sharing what you have on a deeper level. i’ve found that whenever we do, some people won’t get it at all, but others will breathe a sigh of relief and connect saying “that’s me too!” Being real is never easy but I’ve found it never returns void. Someone great once said “The truth shall set you free”. (Ha, and I never knew this is what my comment was going to be, but like you, I find following my heart is always my most true voice). xxx
Rachelle, thank you so much for sharing yourself here. Your words are deep and beautiful. Stay on your path, it is a beautiful one. I totally understand what you’re saying. So yes, that’s me too! Glad we found each other.
Lesley, I, too, feel like I was put on earth for a reason, but I’m 61 and I still haven’t figured out what the reason is.
Lesley, I could so relate to this post (just read it today) and all your feelings. When my husband died, I finally had to come to the realization that all the walls I had constructed blocked me from truly feeling/realizing/knowing all the joy and love that is both IN me and OUTSIDE of me. Now I see so much more, with eyes and heart wide open and vulnerable, all God’s people who, whether we see it or not, do have Him in their hearts. They may or may not listen to Him or feel that love, but I choose to see it in each and every one of them. Love overcomes everything. Love is what makes me tick, in every aspect of my life. And I do what I do for and with love in my heart. Your blog message is so real and wonderful, you gave away a big part of yourself when you exposed yourself this way. It is a wonderful feeling, isn’t it? I do have boundaries, but those are in place to allow myself to do those things that bring joy and happiness to others and to myself. One needs time to live a life filled with love. I truly believe that is what all of life is about, living a life of love. God is with us always.
Lesley, what a beautiful post. I’m reminded of a favorite little book – Let Your Life Speak by Parker J. Palmer. Here is a passage:
“Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent.”
Thank you for sharing your secrets.
Lesley, What a brave, wonderful testament. It really grabbed me…and shook me hard. I wish I had the words to express how your post made me feel but I don’t, so I will just say thank you.
It always amazes me how us creative folk all seem to have the same thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, fears. Both of these things you discussed resonated with me. I too seem to have become the rock in my family, granted I’m only 35 and the younger sister, but somehow I’m the one everyone gravitates too for advice or an ear. Maybe I appear stronger than I really am?
I’ve also known my whole life I was created for something greater, what? I have no clue. I swore I would never be like the women who went before me in my life. I would not work a desk job in an office, enclosed in a brick prison. That’s how I saw it anyway. I was going to be an artist painting my days away living at my beloved Lewes Beach. Yet I am exactly where I don’t want to be, waiting for 5:30pm to come everyday so I can run home and paint, journal, write do that great thing I was destined to do! Do it I will, even if it’s a little bit at a time. I’ve learned in the past year to take advantage of all those little moments and to be grateful where I am. Really, in the big scheme of things others are so much more worse of than me and I should be thankful for what I have and where I am. Sorry for rambling, thanks for listening and letting us share!
My walls became so enormous and so heavy that they crashed in on themselves and left me feeling nothing. Numb. Flat. Little pain, little joy. Mostly sad. Every time I make art, and on most days it’s still a struggle, some more of the debris from the walls is cleared out. I am making baby steps back to the girl and woman that I was before life overwhelmed me. Thank you for sharing so openly, Lesley.
Thank YOU all for sharing your inner thoughts too. It’s always good to hear we are not alone and what we hold as a secret is, after all, something we have in common with so many others. Your words touch my heart.
Lesley, I stumbled upon your blog today. I was almost shocked by this post. How could somebody else be writing these words when they describe everything that I’ve been feeling, for about as long as I can remember. Like you, I have so much inside of me just waiting to burst out, and yet I keep it contained. It’s like I have an outer self that plays it safe, does what she is told, acts responsibly. And then my inner self is someone completely different. Completely. She’s wild. Free-spirited. Emotional. Creative. And I lock her up every single day, and that is so sad. I keep telling her that her time will come. I have so many reasons for keeping her inside, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that she is slowly withering away. Your post is an inspiration to me because you are articulating how important the expression of this inner self, this “true self”, is. And also, I realize I’m not alone. The little girl in the photo in your post is unencumbered, unburdened by the little doubts and details of this life. That little girl still lives inside of each woman. Thank you for reminding me that taking care of her is my joy and my privilege. ~Christina
I read blogs in google reader and sometimes I don’t really know which blog I’m reading. Such was the case this morning as you showed us more and more of yourself. Thank you for trusting us with your secrets, with your rawness. As an artist, it is so encouraging to see that artists who’ve been recognized still have the same struggles as I do.
I do think many artists are more raw and vulnerable to the world around them – more observant, more cognisant (sp?) – and more afraid. When you’re the only one in the crowded room who seems overwhelmed by beauty, you want to keep it to yourself.
But don’t. Because in all liklihood there are others in the room who feel the same way but need permission to show it. Your self expression gives them that permission.
Thank you again for trusting us ~ Sherry
i am so glad to read these words this morning – words FROM YOUR HEART, words about life and love and joy. emotions! this is what i have loved, and will always love, about you….who will always, too, be the buddha in my book. xo
Wow!! You’ve hit it girl!! I am where you are too! I’ve realized that it’s not about “showing off” my new car, my big house, how much money you think I make anymore……It’s about people! Loving and appreciating people. For the little things and for their stories! We enrich each other! I think our spouses shape us! I think our friends shape us! I think it’s about sharing our joy, and letting go of the “puzzle of the who thinks what” trap! I’m vulnerable, I’m not perfect….but who cares! And really if people aren’t receptive then possibly they’re just dealing with their own stuff which has nothing to do with me! I’m not going to be “who they think I am” anymore either. But if I have a light within, it is my duty to shine it.
Yes, you are wise to keep your joy contained! To allow yourself it’s expression too!
Ahhhh, the human condition……what the world wants vs. what our soul craves!
You DO make sense and the awareness that there is a purpose, a purpose for your life that is yours alone is unique feeling. It’s both comforting AND exhilarating at the same time. How can that be?
Total sense. I’m right beside you.. trying to become the person I was meant to be… because I must.
you are making sense….i understand completely…
thank you!
you can be strong for others but you also can be raw and open and share with others the joy you have in seeing gods beauty.its ok i see it all the time in a childs face or a kitty cat or puppy or a river or flower or any of gods creations.you are one of his wonferful creations and do not worry that you are not leaving your mark there are many more peoples lives you have blessed and will continue to if you let your joy out .tear down those walls.share the love, others want to see it, with your talents they will .i hope this makes sense .love gina
OMG… Lesley.. this really touched me.. and of course I am crying. Seems like I have the same problem. I was always the strong one for the family and took care of everyone. A few weeks ago my world of taking care came crashing down. I was on the couch or bed for a week. Not really sure what was going on. Feeling helpless. Sooo many things going on that I can’t control.. but, that is nothing new. I talked with a few people about it and talked to God. Since then I feel better… I feel like I can tackle the world. I’ve been creating like I never have before. And I can so relate to what you have posted.. Thanks for sharing this with us and helping me to realize that I am not alone.